By Tony LaScala · July 31, 2012
The Watch was delayed, re-written, re-branded, re-titled, re-delayed, and finally released this weekend. The best part of this movie was it’s short length of just over an hour and a half.
The movie’s protagonist, Evan (Ben Stiller) starts a neighborhood watch when his night security guard is murdered at Costco. Three local outcasts Bob, (Vince Vaughn) Franklin, (Jonah Hill) and Jamarcus (Richard Ayoade) join the neighborhood watch in search of a good time in their quiet, boring little town. Soon the gang discovers that they’re in over their heads and an armada of aliens is planning world domination and it’s up to the neighborhood watch to stop them. Next, an hour of genital jokes occur (most of which didn’t even warrant a chuckle) and then they win. Roll credits. Where is the exit?
The Watch is so inconsistent with its characters it’s a kick in the groin to screenwriters everywhere that the movie even got made. I suppose the logline is pretty brilliant, but the execution was horrendous. Stiller’s character Evan throughout the movie preaches organization, obeying the rules of justice, etc., etc. A scene later he drops all of his character’s core values to blow peoples personal property up with a new alien weapon. (In a scene that was obviously to fill time and waste money. I suppose they needed a few more explosions for the trailer) In the following scene Evan has picked up his core values again, as if the previous scene had never happened. Inconsistencies like this occur throughout the movie, and most of the scenes intended to be “funny” DIDN’T PROGRESS THE STORY. They were “naughty” jokes for the sake of naughty jokes.
I imagine The Watch started out as a wonderful idea, only to be “studio-afied” over and over again. You can’t blame the movie really… it just came out at a really bad time. Here’s how the scenario probably played out:
INT. 20TH CENTURY FOX OFFICES – EXECUTIVE OFFICE – DAY
A young SCREENWRITER nervously pitches a few ideas to a half interested EXECUTIVE.
SCREENWRITER
… I have one about ghosts who invent a way to come back to life.
EXECUTIVE
Pass. What else?
SCREENWRITER
A Neighborhood Watch group in a small town solves a murder committed by an alien.
EXECUTIVE
Sold!
CUT TO:
INT. 20thCENTURY FOX OFFICES – EXECUTIVE OFFICE – DAY
The exhausted SCREENWRITER hands EXECUTIVE a screenplay.
SCREENWRITER
Here it is, perfect.
EXECUTIVE weighs the screenplay. Seems heavy.
EXECUTIVE
Looks great. We’re going to get some fresh eyes on this one.
EXECUTIVE hands the screenplay to WRITER #2.
SCREENWRITER
But you haven’t even-
CUT TO:
INT. 20thCENTURY FOX OFFICES – EXECUTIVE OFFICE – DAY
SCREENWRITER #2 hands in a screenplay. EXECUTIVE weighs it.
EXECUTIVE
Great! You’re fired.
EXECUTIVE hands the screenplay to SCREENWRITER #3.
CUT TO:
INT. 20thCENTURY FOX OFFICES – EXECUTIVE OFFICE – DAY
SCREENWRITER #55 hands in a screenplay. EXECUTIVE weighs it.
EXECUTIVE
(satisfied)
Perfect, let’s shoot it.
CUT TO:
INT. 20thCENTURY FOX OFFICES – SCREENING ROOM – DAY
Several Executives have just finished a screening of “Neighborhood Watch”.
EXECUTIVE
Looks decent, set it for release in-
A P.A. rushes in.
P.A.
Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith. Have you heard aboutTrayvon Martin?
CUT TO:
INT. 20thCENTURY FOX OFFICES – SCREENING ROOM – DAY
The Executives are upset after a screening of “The Watch”.
EXECUTIVE
Well that’s just terrible. But we’vealready spent so much…
FADE OUT.
Now, here’s the part in the review where I have some kind words for the movie. Now, now, I do have some. Firstly, Richard Ayoade is somewhat refreshing. He’s quirky (not enough to save the movie) but still, a decent performance. Secondly…
My viewing of The Watch started with a smile that rapidly turned to a look of indifference and eventually morphed into a glazed over me frantically digging for the bottom of my popcorn tub, searching for a way out. I don’t know what went wrong with this movie: Good premise + terrific cast + funny director + tons of money + bad timing, multiplied by god knows what = UnWatchable.
Meredith Alloway · July 31, 2012
