The Kick-Ass Centipede

By Leroy James King · May 5, 2010

So I was thinking about the fact that Preston Garrett is the Human Centipede… and I think I overreacted to him just a little bit. I see the rhyme and reason behind the porn/over sexed argument. Yeah, whatever.

But that got me to thinking about Kick-Ass

Moms, Dads, religious fundamentalists, and a hoard of other conservative, right-wing overreactors were getting all pissed off and bent out of shape over Kick-Ass because it had the word “ass” in the title, and because Chloe Moretz as “Hit Girl” uses profanity as a minor. EEEK! A minor using profanity! Check out the CNN video:

So there’s obviously been a lot of people in the mix on this – providing commentary on the right versus wrong aspect of having a child using the C-word, and all that, and that the word “ass” would be so flippantly used in a mass-marketed movie title. Now… I get where parents of the conservative persuasion would get a little squeamish about all of this. The movie does have a comic book aesthetic that’s been popularized by so many PG-13 superhero films – it would be easy for a kid to be like, “I wanna see Kick-Ass!!!” because of all the familiar comic schlock in it. But… the movie is rated R. So what are parents so concerned about? Getting in an argument with their kid about whether or not they can see the movie? After all, you are the parents, so wield that discipline stick, for the love of God. You don’t have to be wishy-washy – you have the power to say “no” with resolute adamance. Seriously! It’s that simple.

Anyway, my big question:

Why the hell aren’t people more openly flipping out over The Human Centipede? There’s no profanity in the title, but the subject matter is infinitely more of an abomination than a foul-mouthed kid acting as a vigilante. I mean… these people are being sown together so they can defecate into one another’s mouths. Big fat “…”

Now, I could care less whether people raise a stink about The Human Centipede. I don’t think many people are going to see it outside the Fangoria crowd I mentioned in my previous entry, and I don’t think it’s a controversy that’s accessible enough for people to explore for the sake of exploring. What I DO care about though is what people are taking issue over. “Yeah, well The Human Centipede isn’t being mass-marketed with a lot of bright colors and superheros.” Okay, cool. But as Preston mentioned in his entry, THC is being distributed via Video On Demand services nationwide. So parents – when you’re go out for your date night to see… Date Night, your kids could very easily pop up The Human Centipede and forever scar their oh-so-fragile intellects with the quasi-pornographic horrors of surgically conjoined naked people.

But the right-wingers haven’t brought up The Human Centipede as far as my internet research has taken me. It’s a niched genre film with a niched audience, so why should they really care anyway? Well, think about this:

Hulu and Apple have had a trailer posted for THC for months now, the same websites that run trailers for family friendly fare. So your kids are more than likely aware of this movie, and the more and more it’s blogged about and the more I rant about it, it’s more than likely your kids are going to want to watch it. Consider it my fault if they do, I’d love the blame.

My point: Parents, conservatives, everyone – take issue with things that really matter. With Kick-Ass, all you did was put more asses in the seats – you made it more controversial than it already was, so more people saw it. Fail.

With THC – a fucked up, sick and twisted, pointless movie – you could actually bring up some real issues. It’s infinitely more significant on a moral scale than Kick-Ass. Granted, press about THC will likely create a similar increase in draw like Kick-Ass, but isn’t it less likely that people will actually see a movie about people being connected ass to mouth, as opposed to an over-stylized superhero romp?

So dear Conservatives, what I’m saying is…

Be more critical with your criticism. You’re putting time and energy into issues that aren’t really issues. Guess what – your kids say the word “fuck” on a daily basis. Don’t pee your pants now! They also uses homosexual and racial slurs that you likely taught them. Gasp! “I did no such thing.” Okay… sure…

Some conservative haikus:

My kid said “asshole”
So I blamed it on TV
I’m never at fault

It’s a big deal
Kids cursing and having sex
Even though I did

Lets distract people
And create issues from air
Yes, I just broke wind