Skip to main content
Close

You Dimwit Basterd Falcon Troll

By Leroy James King · June 3, 2010

So my "good friend" (ahem) Preston came up with a list of the Top 10 Films to Watch In Film School. To put it lightly, he's got some ridiculously obvious choices on there, plus we didn't get a GD explanation of what kind of film class these were intended for. Basically I found it incredibly unclear, cliche, and boring as fuck. Thus, dear piggies and chicklets, here is my Top 10, with a breakdown of what the hell the hypothetical class is that I will inevitably be teaching.

 
FFF-101 (Fucking Fantastic Films for the Film Illiterate)
In this hypothetical course, I teach films that expose under-viewed filmgoers to the major genres as they've popped up through history. Some are amazing, awesome, almost perfect films – some are really terrible, yet incredibly interesting films that still inspire.
 
The goal of this course: to show that Preston is a tardo baby and that I have an infinitely keener understanding of film, and far more impeccable taste. So without further ado, here are my Top 10 FIlms for FFF-101 (Note that this list is in chronological order based on the films' release dates – not in order preference):
 
10) Birth of a Nation (1915)– This istheintro to silent film, especially American silent films. It's a sweeping, racist, fucked up epic that will make you thank your lucky stars that almost 100 years later we've actually come a long way from our bigot-laden past. Yeah, it's kind of D.W. Griffith's love letter to the KKK, but it's important for people to see this film – it's an incredible visual story, historically relevant, and forces you to examine your own morals.
 
9) Das Cabinet des Dr. Caligari (1920)– Robert Weine's weirdo film about a doctor with an acid-trip closet left a cultural stain on the world with some of the most iconic imagery ever to be put in a film (see the video for "Tonight, Tonight" by the Smashing Pumpkins.) It's one of the ultimate examples of set pieces that employ forced and skewed perspective. Without this movie, say goodbye to yourLord of the Rings films – they'd probably be made in claymation in a fish tank in Peter Jackson's basement, just like Meet the Feebles.
 
8) Triumph des Willens (1935)– Riefenstal's Nazi propaganda film… need I say more? No, I'm not a Nazi, I don't like Nazis, and I find this film particularly disturbing. But historically it's one of the first films that really tapped into the swaying power of cinema. The film is beautifully shot, cleverly edited, and helped sway the German populous to give the green light for Nazi rule. Also a great example of fascist and dictatorship mandated cinema, which is all about loving thy ruler, fuhrer, czar, whatever. Fuuuuucked up.
 
7) The Maltese Falcon (1941)– There's a big argument about which Bogart noir film is the best, and most people I know opt for the The Big Sleep – I'm simply a Dashiell Hammett fan, not so much a Raymond Chandler fan, so I have to go with Falcon. John Huston nails the noir genre to perfection years before Howard Hawkes dropped Sleep on the public. I still think Chinatown (my favorite movie of all time) is the best noir film ever made, but everyone needs to see Bogart do what he did best – he invented the hardboiled Private Eye that the likes of Russell Crowe, Gene Hackman, Jack Nicholson, and everyone else that has played a snide/witty/flawed cop or detective have emulated.
 
6) The Apartment (1960)– I had to throw a major performance movie on here (Preston's was On the Waterfront – too obvious). Billy Wilder's incredibly restrained, touching story of a lonely dude (Jack Lemmon). His boss (Fred McMurray) starts sleeping with the secret love of Jack's life… at his apartment, and he's too much of a pussy to say tell him to screw off. Definitely edgy subject matter coming out of the Eisenhower era – the beginning of cinema looking at real day-to-day life issues.
 
5) The Magnificent Seven(1960)– This is for the dude that lambasted Preston for not putting The Seven Samurai on his list. I personally don't want to indulge this dingleberry by putting it on here, so I made a compromise. John Sturges adapts Samurai into a Western with an all star (too many names to name) cast. Badass genre blender.
 
4) A Clockwork Orange (1971)– Yeah, there's a fuckton of Kubrick films that could make this list, but this one is certainly the most controversial (Lolita was too, but this one is still controversial). It marked the first totally hyperviolent film to be released in the States, had the first rape depicted on screen (2 to be exact), and was ironically the highest grossing film for Warner Bros. at the time of its release. Also, one of the few movies to be scored by a future transexual (Walter Carlos became Wendy Carlos not too long after…)
 
3) Die Hard (1988)– Just a great, recognizable example of a super solid 3-act structure that the underviewed filmgoer has probably seen before. This is where I agree with Preston – it's important for a film class to give students a context under which to view the rest of the films. It also marks Bruce Willis's first non-comedic role in a feature film, introduced the world to Alan Rickman, and put director John McTiernan on the map… before he went to jail.
 
2) Troll 2 (1990)– This is one of the worst movies ever made, which is exactly why it's on here. I'm a firm believer that learning by bad example is just as important as good example (the exact reason I bought A.I. and Commando). Don't get me wrong – this movie is one of the most enjoyable films you'll ever watch. It's hilariously, stupifyingly terrible, hence it's insane cult following. It's also a great example of Kitsch Cinema – no, it's not an exploitation film (better to devote a whole class to that genre), but it's living proof that there's a demand for crappy movies, albeit endearing ones. Oh, the plot. Let me put it this way, director Claudio Fragasso made a sequel to Troll, but you never actually hear the word "troll" the entire movie – rather, it's all about "goblins." So yeah… that should be telling enough…
 
1) Inglourious Basterds (2009)– Before you crucify me for not putting Pulp Fiction on here instead, hear me out. First, as my loyal readers already know, I'm a rabid fan of alternative history movies – this is the best of the best. Secondly, it beat Pulp because Pulp just breaks waaay too many film conventions to teach as an intro film – it's one of those movies that hit at just the right time for it to be a huge hit. Now, Pulp is a fantastic film, but when learning the conventions of cinema, it's not exactly a good place to start – the non-chronology thing is way too heady/lofty for a novice class. Disagree all you want, I don't give a flying fuckstick. Anyway, Basterds is chronologically sound, insanely entertaining, and one of the best films of the 2000s, and you gotta put a film from the 2000s in the curriculum.
 
1.1) Traffic (2000)– Just following Preston's template. I know there's plenty of highfalutin' dipshits that will lambast me to hell for putting this on here, but whatever. You need a verite movie on the list – this one is really accessible and socially relevant too. That's all I'll say – def one of my favorite films of the 2000s, once again.
 
So eat your heart out, Preston. You're wrong again, you centipede of obvious.