There’s a phrase my friends and I have coined for people that fit the following description:
A person whose disposition towards logical thought, tactful speech, maturity, respect, and the acceptance of constructive criticism is adamantly in protest of these specified qualities.
We call these people Douche Toddlers. Now, I can’t pretend that I came up with this – Preston (our Editorial Director here at TSL, and my good friend that I continually lambast on this blog) actually looped me into the existence of this phrase, though I don’t believe he came up with it. So the origins are ambiguous at best, yet I feel it’s a phrase that embodies a very discernable sphere of our population at large. Yes, this has a point…
But before I get into that, let me provide you with some examples of the term Douche Toddler in context:
“Brian grabbed Preston by the belt and started yelling ‘Baby Dick.’ What a Douche Toddler.”
“Did you see Joaquin Phoenix on David Letterman? Douche Toddler central.”
“Jeremy slept in his car because we were being too loud last night. Douche Toddler.”
“John was a Douche Toddler that time he puked in my TupperWare bin of random crap I was keeping in Aaron’s garage.”
“Bill O’Reilly. Douche Toddler in Chief.”
I think you get the point. “No, I don’t, Leroy.”
The point is that I’ve come to the firm conclusion that Hollywood runs rampant with Douche Toddlers, specifically. People always talk about how self-absorbed everyone is here, especially in the entertainment industry – image whores, backstabbers, lazy people, self-entitled assholes, etc. I mean, yeah… but these types of people are everywhere, even in Wyoming (actually not totally sure about that.)
Douche Toddlers though, are specific to Hollywood. So let me clarify my previous definition:
A person in Hollywood whose disposition towards logical thought, tactful speech, maturity, respect, and the acceptance of constructive criticism is adamantly in protest of these specified qualities.
The reason I’m getting super specific about the definition to a slang term that’s only used by about 7 people: right now I’m working on some projects with people that are incredibly insidious manipulators who subtly fit the Douche Toddler definitions with crystal clear adamance. And for the sake of FUCK, I’m over all this horse manure. For real.
I’m not really going to elaborate on how these people are trying to manipulate me, other than the fact that they’re an entertainment industry company that hired me to do some specific work, and now they’re trying push me into this whole other corner of work for them that I adamantly let them know I was not interested in doing, and they’re trying to coax me into it by offering me the biggest joke of a rate I’ve ever been offered. It’s seriously insulting, and I don’t get insulted easily. I think the last time I was truly insulted was when my buddy Jim grabbed me by the belt and started yelling “Baby Dick,” a la the example above (re: Brian and Preston).
Now, I’m aware that I may sound super whiney about all of this. I mean, it is a fucking job. That pays. But it’s yet another Hollywood Douche Toddler situation where there’s rampant non-communication, vague expectations, manipulation, low balling, disrespect, and a complete disregard for my inquiries, concerns, and schedule requirements.
Basically, I’m doing this operation a favor, and instead of thanking me, they’re telling me to shut up, take barely any money, and to work full time in a position I wasn’t initially staffed for, in addition tofulfilling the role I wasstaffed for. And again, they want to pay ASS PENNIES.
In short, I was told to write (that’s all I’ll give you), and at a fair rate. Now they want me to wear about 4 other hats for less than my flat writing rate, and to continue writing, but take a lesser rate on the writing because I’ll be picking up and rate slack by doing all the other work for ASS PENNIES.
I know you could give 2 shits about my financial and job situation. I’m simply bringing this up because I HAVE NOT FOUND A COMPANY IN THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY THAT DOESN’T OPERATE LIKE THIS. For real again. Everyone is turning an industrial sized screw, and everyone is selfish beyond their mental capacity for compliment-giving.
I’m realizing that I hate this system. I hate working for assholes. I hate writing for assholes. I hate when New Age Hollywood douche bags – excuse me – Douche Toddlerstry to manipulate me. And more than anything, I’m realizing that I don’t want to work for anyone other than me. And maybe The Script Lab.
Here’s what happened to me. I had a goal. I met it to a degree, but I made compromises I never should have made to get to that goal. The lesson that you all need to know – if you have a specific goal (and this is definitely in the niched context of Hollywood), don’t make one fucking compromise. Because everyone around you will think this: “Well, well, well. What an agreeable guy/gal. I bet we can milk more out of him/her because he/she is super creative and has a business sense, but they’re poor as fuck water.”
That’s certainly a really harsh bit of hypothetical dialogue I’ve listed above, but I certainly find it to be true.
I think I’m done with writing for other people now. It’s not worth the shit money unless you’re signed by a management company or talent agency. Everything else is a joke, unless somehow you’re able to work with complete independence as a freelance writer.
I’m learning that I should just take a low stress/higher paying job, become a hermit, and work on my own writing in a dark, secret room in the corner of some sort of Wild Bill/Silence of the Lambs style basement of weird. I hope you’re able to discern the core message of this incoherent rant:
Find out exactly what you want. Then, go after it. Don’t make compromises. Make demands.
And above all, know a Douche Toddler when you see one. You’ll know, and when identify them, either tell them to fuck themselves or run away screaming.
