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HOT TUB TIME MACHINE and the properly written @$$h0le

By Ched Rickman · April 13, 2010

[spoilers [but trust me, you want me to spoil this one]]

Look, I think you know going into this flick that it’s going to be stupid as hell. Even movies that take time travel seriously usually suck, there’s just so much explaining the unexplained, there are usually too many holes to be plugged. This movie even had a character breaking the fourth wall in the trailer (one of the funniest scenes in the movie — more on this later), and yet I still held out hope. I figured this might be one of those movies that is so stupid it’s funny. Not quiteAnchormancaliber, but maybe, say…3,000 Miles to Graceland? No go.

Look, I can’t even get into the plot or the specifics; I gotta keep this post relevant to the web site, and I’m getting there, but this movie just flat out fucking blew. Crispin Glover — who, if you know anything about the actual man, is one of the most truly disturbing people ever — is easily the comedic highlight of this movie, playing a bit part as a hotel concierge. He is actually funny, his whole schtick is funny, but he’s in about 4 minutes total, and the rest of the movie is so weakly written and poorly acted, I wouldn’t sit through this shit on TV just to see his parts, even if you were giving me free beer and blowjobs.

Craig Robinson is average, John Cusack plays the same emotionless mushroom he’s been since CON-AIR, Chevy Chase is phoning it in, in addition to having no backstory AT ALL; honestly, the best lead actor in this movie was the kid who’s name I don’t know that they obviously got because even Jonah Hill recognized this script wasn’t worth shitting on. The big letdown in this movie however, is Rob Corddry. And it isn’t even his fault.

Now, having sat next to Mr. Corddry in the Phoenix Airport one time, I can tell you he is a nice guy. A family man. One of us (it was a Southwest terminal, after all). This is the guy who cut his teeth on the Daily Show alongside Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell, Rob Riggle and of course Jon Stewart; he is funny. He’s also been in an Oliver Stone movie playing an actual person, so logic would dictate he’s probably got some legitimate acting chops. But his character in this movie is so viciously unfunny and unrealistic, there’s no way even he is going to squeeze any sympathy out of this guy. Which brings me to you writers out there and the necessity to sometimes include in your buddy movie, “the asshole.”

Listen, just like writing a flawed hero, you have to write a flawed asshole. Because, as a part-time asshole myself, I can say that not even full-timers are ALWAYS assholes. If anything, they crack a smile once in a while because they enjoy being such an asshole. Corddry’s character berates and shits on his friends from the get go for things like being married and being, well, I don’t know why a forty year old guy would give his mushroom-friend’s 20 year old nephew such a hard time, but it makes no sense. No one is going to want to relive the glory days at the old ski-lodge with a guy who makes everyone miserable. The logic that they need to take his mind off of a recent suicide attempt doesn’t fly, either. This guy has burned every bridge in his life, and they would have gone a long time ago, too.

So not only is this guy mean, his vocabulary is limited to “fuck” and “titties,” with a few actual sentences peppered in there that obviously a script supervisor forgot to redact before shooting began. Listen, I’m a comedian, and nothing is off limits, and I’ve got quite a dirty mouth myself, so it’s not that the language offends me, it just annoys me. It’s like your one friend back in high school who cursed all the time just to appear more adult. Remember that kid? You rolled your eyes and then made an excuse why you had to leave the lunch table. I couldn’t walk out of this, though, because my Mom and Sister were there with me. Yeah, I took my Mom and Sister toHot Tub Time Machine, back off.

And I know it’s a joke on late night and a complaint at the hair salon, but sex is not all that men think about. And even if it was, it wouldn’t be the only thing they ever talk about. But this “jerk” does. That’s how you can tell this isn’t real. So here are my guidelines for writing a believable asshole:

1) Make him annoyed by people, not simply enraged.
2) Make him speak in a manner that at least slightly resembles human speech.
3) And make him have shitty, inappropriate obsessions with believable stuff. Make him a defensive cheapskate; give him an insane competitive streak; or make him distrust women, not want to flapjack them all movie long.
4) And finally, give him something to redeem himself by, something besides altering the last twenty years of history to suit his idea of how his friends should be successful and them not giving one shit about losing all of their memories and not remembering anything from the new timeline.

But what the fuck would I know, I’m just an actor.