Mr. Friendly and pre-audition douche-off

Listen, let’s call a commercial acting audition what it is: it’s a competition to be better, better looking and more charismatic than every other dong who is there who kinda looks like you. It’s a direct showdown against not only the 25 or 30 guys you actually see waiting in the bullpen with you, but the other hundred or more who went through there all day. Every time one of these fucks gets a job over me, that’s another opportunity I didn’t cash in on, another meaningless day that isn’t getting me paid or close to getting paid to act. I like to make a lot of athletic metaphors to the entertainment world because I was a terrible athlete growing up (still am), and this competition is unlike any other. It’s like being a pro golfer (without the orgies) or a pro tennis player (except occasionally people watch you on TV). It’s you versus the World, everyone trying to get to No. 1, so why the hell does anyone want to be friends with the guys you’re auditioning against?

I don’t know, but it seems that at almost every audition I go to, there’s at least one guy who’s Mr. Friendly with everyone there. Cracking jokes with the casting director, cracking jokes with other actors, cracking jokes about other actors with even other actors. But it’s not actually Mr. Friendly, because “friendly” is a mutual compatibility, and these types of jerkoffs make sure it’s always about them. They complain about the parking meters outside with such an obvious “am I right, guys?” tone in their voice it’s worse than an open mic night at the Belly Room. They talk about whatever movie just came out, deconstructing it like their fucking film school degree actually means anything more than fancy stylized ink on thicker than average paper, whereas if Ridley Scott walked out of the casting office, they would begin fellating him instinctively. And then they step away, poring over the script, reading their lines and prepping their delivery while pacing through the entire place, making sure everyone, at all the different audition tables, sees them honing their craft . It doesn’t help this species’ case that most of these cocksuckers are wire-thin, thick-frame-glasses wearing, flannel snap-up shirt draped hipsters, in addition to maintaining many of the traits of the more traditional asshole.

What these guys do is essentially audition the entire time they’re in the fucking building, incorrectly presuming that flirting with the ugly chick at sign in is really going to earn them a callback. They don’t realize that the girl is probably an actress herself who doesn’t have an audition today and needs the nine bucks an hour but couldn’t give two farts about who plays the mechanic in the Enterprise Rent-a-Car commercial, but Mr. Friendly plugs along anyway because he’s one of these people who thinks every fucking person they meet might be the next big connection, and every audition on the horizon, that they bother to even tell people about, is tantamount to a gig booked. The kind of person who can’t wait for the high school reunion to pull the exact same schtick, but this time he’s bragging to his friends about all the cool shit going down in L.A., meanwhile his boss is wondering where his barista is for Saturday afternoon rush at the Coffee Bean by 3rd and La Cienega.

But then I think, maybe this is more devious than just being an aloof, knows-no-better wanker. Maybe these guys do this bullshit because they know it’s a spectacle, and annoying as hell, and who can memorize shitty copy when some tousled-hair weiner is barking in their ear about OK Go? Maybe these guys roll into auditions with the intention of throwing all of the other actors off their game by being over confident, cool, collected and a craft honer . But then I think that these guys are probably college dropouts (or worse, the aforementioned film school graduate), and I realize they’re not smart enough to craft an entirely different pre-audition persona just to “ice” the rest of us [<—-sports reference!]. These guys are, however, actors, and therefore completely obsessed and controlled by all pursuits narcissistic. They really think they’re being Clooney-level charming when they strut into some dumpy, wall-carpeted piece of shit place that smells like fishy hooker box on hot days. They really believe people want to hear, or are listening, or give a fuck about their opinions on whatever movie just came out that they had to see opening weekend because they’re a cinephile, but really because they needed fresh ammunition for this week’s run of worthless industrial auditioning. They think they’re the shit, and while a little confidence is a great asset as a working actor, thinking you have the part nailed before you step out of your apartment that morning isn’t the same thing. Which explains why I see the same motherfuckers at all these auditions pulling the same garbage: because none of them have landed any significant work yet and they’re still baristas on 3rd and La Cienega.

But it doesn’t matter, it’s just fucking annoying, which I guess you’re going to come across in every profession from time to time. The Mr. Friendly’s of the acting game will always be there, just like the silent, closed off, seemingly muted nobody in the corner (me) will be there too. The difference is one person acts like they’re honing their craft, the other one just does it — in the audition room.

But what the fuck would I know, I’m just an actor.