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Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-wrecked

By Sunny Choi · December 19, 2011

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked was so awful that I don’t even know where to begin. Its popular culture references only exacerbated the tackiness and cheapness of the movie. If I ever have to hear another chipmunk sing again, I might just lose my wits altogether. I still can’t believe that they managed to release a second sequel to a bad original movie.

The horror starts even from the beginning, when the Chipettes (Christina Applegate, Anna Faris, and Amy Poehler) warble the Go-Go’s Vacation as they embark on a luxury cruise to the International Music Awards. Apparently, these chipmunks have garnered worldwide fame for their squeaky renditions of pop music. Alvin (Justin Long) wreaks havoc on the cruise ship, hijacking the loudspeaker to announce that children can enter the adults-only sections and even wooing older ladies at the casino. To make matters worse, Ian (David Cross), the chipmunks’ former record executive, returns as the cruise’s pelican mascot to vengefully tattletale on these rodent rascals.

These excessively pampered, spoiled brats get a dose of the wilderness when Alvin and the chipmunks accidentally drift off on a kite. Fortunately for them, they wind up on a lush, tropical island. Instead of doing damage control this time, Dave (Jason Lee) must chases after and rescue these chipmunks because he (for reasons I can’t imagine) considers them to be his children. After fighting with Ian over a hang-glider, they both fall into the ocean and somehow land on the same exact tropical island. While the chipmunks are at first confident that they can survive the wilderness, they prove to be completely helpless–at first, they try to eat bark for breakfast. Then, they all fight over one mango and finally resort to acting like (gasp!) animals. While hogging the mango, Eleanor (Poehler) hisses, “my precious! my precious!” (Guess where that’s from?)

Perhaps the movie creators realized that viewers would quickly tire of these old characters, so they brought in Zoe (Jenny Slate), a zany woman who has been shipwrecked on the island for nine years. Excited to discover the chipmunks, she vows to tell the Others, evoking Rousseau from LOST. But it turns out that she has mildly lost her marbles, as she talks to her soccer, tennis, golf, and basketballs. Unfortunately, this pathetic parody of Cast Away wasn’t nearly enough to save the movie. Besides, the kids weren’t old enough to understand these references, and not even the adults found this to be funny. Her antics were unoriginal, annoying, and more suited for a bad Saturday Night Live sketch.

They piled plot device after plot device, hoping to catch viewers’ unwavering attention. I felt like the movie is not just targeting a child audience, but more specifically children with extremely short attention spans. If the stranded on an island premise wasn’t enough, how about when Simon happens to find a hidden treasure chest behind the waterfall with the double rainbow? Or how the chipmunks must build a raft before the volcano on the island erupts and blows them all into smithereens? And what about that stunning dance showdown between the Chipettes and three women who (no offense) look like they’ve just stepped out of Jersey Shore? Stitching together the most unoriginal and arbitrary plot devices resulted in this incoherent, ship-wreck of a movie.

Any sympathy I had for them fluttered away once more when the Chipettes bemoaned their stranded-ness by (seriously) singing Destiny Child’s Survivor in a cappella around a campfire. When Zoe forces Jeanette through the tiny hole to gather as much gold as possible, Jeanette begs for mercy as she sings Rihanna’s SOS.  I found myself singing along, except I was asking for someone to rescue me from this awful pop-fest. I also did a face palm when the Chipettes emerged from shower with only towels, belting their rendition of Willow Smith’s song: “I whip my tail back and forth.” According to this movie, the faster you abandon the Teletubbies in favor of MTV, the cooler you will be.

However, I mildly enjoyed the role reversal between Alvin and his brainiac, mature counterpart, Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler). Simon gets bitten and develops an adventurous and romantic French alter-ego, Si-mon (pronounced Sea-moan). Without his levelheaded companion to direct the entire group, Alvin must assume a more responsible strain of leadership in order to keep the group intact. In this way, the creators heavy-handedly affirm that kids can rise to the occasion if adults show them a little trust and grant them more freedom.

Also, I found myself wondering this: why would fairly respectable actors and actresses choose to voice these chipmunks, especially since they all sound the same? Oh yes, because of the money. You can hardly distinguish the voice talent, as they all sound like they’ve overdosed on helium. Plus, their lines just scream “selling out,” especially to the commercial interests of top 40 artists who seek to rake in increasingly younger audiences. Do we really need more seven year olds bopping to auto-tuned garbage?

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked is a shamelessly commercialized piece of junk that titillates children with lowly pop culture references. Although they tried to overcompensate for their horrible plot-line using cheap allusions and emulating Glee, nothing could salvage this disastrous flick.