The Vow: Forced Cookie-Cutter Tenderness

Don’t go see this in the theaters, rent it, because I’ll bet my bottom dollar you’ve seen it all before. Not to say the movie is awful, which I’ll admit I expected; it’s just the same story and characters in a different setting. With the price of movie tickets today, how could that possibly be worth it?

The American public begs to differ, which is obvious through The Vow’s record-breaking opening night. But why do they keep coming back?  It’s the format; the promise that there will be a happy ending and a drama-packed romance journey to get there. Cinema has been known to find a template and stick to it, look at Disney’s waterfall of fairytales that audiences came back to year after year. There may not be any Belles on the big screen these years, but there is Ms. Rachel McAdams and her cupboard of cookie-cutter male suitors.

If you liked Noah in The Notebook, you’ll probably go for Leo in The Vow. He is the same character after all, just seventy years in the future. Channing Tatum brings his poor-boy swag to the role, using his charm to woo his woman instead of his wallet. Unfortunately for us, he’s no comparison to Gosling and struggles to bring any sense of strength to his character. And of course McAdams who plays Paige, a woman who struggles to regain her lost memory after a horrible car accident, is wearing the shoe that fits her best. McAdams has a certain demeanor that always gravitates towards the snotty-rich-girl-who-falls-for-the-poor-boy stock character. But it can’t be denied, she plays it well. No short of perfectly placed tears on her cheek and the adolescent angst even a woman in her 30s can go through.

A short synopsis is obviously required, but in this case probably not necessary. You can guess what happens. But, alas, here it goes. Leo and Paige are married. They’re in love. Everything this is rosy and perfect. But one day when they get into a car accident, Paige looses the part of her memory where Leo’s relationship rests. She can recall her family and her early college years, but after that, it’s blank. Paige’s family, who Leo warns her has betrayed her in the past, steps in to coddle their daughter and makes it even harder for Leo to work his way back into her heart. Paige has reverted back to the woman she used to be, a woman Leo doesn’t recognize, and a woman who views Leo as a total stranger. Can he win his wife back before she’s gone forever?

There’s plenty of conflict packed into the screenplay and plenty of reasons to root for Leo. Tatum just had to stand there and look pretty. Paige’s mother and father played, respectively, by Sam Neill and Jessica Lange, are the typical antagonist parents. They have the allure of financial stability, but care more about Paige being a successful lawyer, than gaining back her memory and happiness. Rooting for hubby or mommy and daddy? Check! Paige has the ex-fiancé who’s now lurking around after her accident. Attractive ex-boyfriend who’s the ultimate douchebag? Check! And then, of course, there are all the lovely favors Leo does for Paige. The flowers, the creative but romantic date, and the French toast breakfast and bacon: Check! It gets the girls every time.

But the problem with The Vow doesn’t lie in the obvious seen-it-before format. Movies are re-made and re-thought every single day. If you despised the templates in cinema you’d refuse to see Titanic because it’s Romeo and Juliet on a boat or refuse to watch a Showtime network show because Hank Moody, Frank Gallagher and Dexter Morgan are all the same person. The reason why this re-invention finds success is because each actor brings a new life to the same character. Unfortunately, Tatum has no power to do so. And McAdams, unlike in many of her other roles, can’t seem to find specificity or charm in Paige. They’re both disappointingly dull and their chemistry is hard to believe. The moments of tenderness, where they gaze into each other’s eyes seems more awkward than sexy. And no one wants to waste two hours of their time on that. I know I don’t. But unfortunately, I did.

Give me my fifteen bucks back, so I can buy a box of chocolates.