Resident Evil Retribution: What Did I Expect?

Last week, in addition to calling me Bub (sick burn bro!), someone who actually enjoyed The Expendables 2 (::shudder::) commented underneath my review by verbally throwing me over their knee, spanking me, and giving me an old fashioned lecture on expectations when entering the movie theater. Upon entering the theater for Resident Evil 4 (at least, I think we’re at 4 now, right?), I found myself thinking about what my expectations were for this movie. Of course, I was also wondering who the hell uses the word “bub” anymore? Seriously. Not even wolverine from the X-Men could make that saying sound cool again.

In any case, I went and saw this movie and, of course, it sucked. But then again, I haven’t liked a single movie I’ve reviewed yet, so I’m not sure what I thought was going to change with this latest installment in the Resident Evil series. It’s the fourth in a saga that should never have even had a sequel. Perhaps the reviews editor has it out for me in some way…hmm.

 But the topic of what expectations I have when I walk into a theater is an interesting one, and something I would like to tackle. Cinematic expectations are a lot like going out to meet girls at a bar. When I go into a Martin Scorsese film, for instance, then that’s like me going into a bar with a cover charge. There better be good music playing, there better be some kind of beer deal going (so I can ball on a budget), and there sure as heck better be lots of potential ex-Mrs.-Keith’s in there. And I don’t just mean good-looking women. There better be a few total packages in there, some real classy broads…one that’s studying neurophysics, that you can take home to momma, and show off to your brother who is always so good at everything he does and has his own house and got married to his gorgeous high school sweet heart who is still gorgeous after 3 kids and OMG I HATE HIM SO MUCH.

But that’s a Scorsese picture. When going into a movie like Expendables 2, or Resident Evil, or even Die Hard or 28 Days Later my expectations are more like going into a dive bar. I’m not expecting artsy-fartsy music to be playing over the speakers, or fancy-shmancy décor, and I’m definitely not expecting to have a life-changing conversation with Angelina Jolie.

And that’s okay. No one has ever complained about me being picky. When I go into a dive bar, all I’m really hoping to find is a cutie with some interesting tattoos. Just something—anything, even if it’s just one thing—that I can be attracted to.

So, walking into a Paul W. S. Anderson movie, my expectations are dive-bar-low. Just show me something. And he has before. Mortal Kombat has one of the best movie soundtracks of all time. And Event Horizon has an amazingly macabre flesh-eating orgy scene. YUM! And beside that, it’s an all-around great scifi/horror film with plenty of camp available on the re-watch. Were my expectations high for those movies? Heck no! But they had something worthwhile, something interesting that I could enjoy, and I absolutely loved both of those broads for that very reason. Kept them on speed dial as late night booty calls for years.

Now, Resident Evil Retribution boasts a cast who had left a good impression on me when I was drunk and lonely before. Mila Jovovich starred in one of my favorite action movies of all time, The Fifth Element. Michelle Rodriguez is in one of my most scandalous of guilty pleasures—the original Fast and Furious. And Sienna Guillory stars as the wife of Guy Pearce in an absolutely awful movie, The Time Machine, which I just adore. Resident Evil is just a blonde girl in a pink shirt sitting at the bar. You can’t help but look. And with Mila, Michelle, and zombies I just couldn’t not give it a look. Problem is, once this movie has your attention, and you’re really giving it a good look, it fails to impress under more extensive scrutiny. She’s wearing too much make-up, which means she probably annoying. She’s got a tacky outfit on, meaning she’s probably dumb. And she has a tattoo or her lower back, so Mother would never accept her.

The lesson here is even with tempered expectations a movie still has to be well-made. I’m not looking for the love of my life every time I walk into a theater, so I’m okay with meeting a flick that’s just cute and interesting enough to have a brief little affair with. But you have to draw the line somewhere. Resident Evil has shoddy graphics, lame actions scenes, and a script where every line seems to be written so the actor could turn dramatically to the camera and squint in an attempt to look tough or mysterious. And the acting? C’mon guys it’s Resident Evil FOUR, temper your expectations.

For a $9.50 cover fee, I will just always expect a little more from my date than what Resident Evil has to offer. Give me funny dialogue, give me great CGI, or a great soundtrack, just give me something!

And, just so we’re clear, you would have to pay me a pretty penny to go on a second date with Expendables 2, Bub.