Here Comes the Boom: Best Puke Scene Ever

I called my best friend before going into the theater to review Here Comes the Boom because I wanted to whine before I subjected myself to it. Based on the previews alone, it had the trappings of “major shit-show” written all over it. We’ve got a likeable, unathletic guy who through the dumbness of his own dumbness, manages to get himself into multiple life-threatening scenarios. There’s the thin, robotic plot points that apparently must exist in all of these kinds of films—the really hot chick who repeatedly says no to the shlubby guy but who, as we all know, will be won over by his shlubby charm in the end; the absolute unbelievability that anyone who looks like Kevin James could ever EVER compete against pro-MMA fighters…EVER!; the out-of-touch sidekick who is supposed to be comic relief, but who is actually a much better person than the lead (which should actually be the focus since the sidekick’s jokes ALWAYS fall flat in these things);And lastly, there’s the cute kids. All these things have got to have the cute kids. Apparently we’re all going to die if there aren’t any freaking cute kids… and so it was with this grave sense of impending doom that I entered the theater.

But you know what? It wasn’t that bad. Sure, everything I mentioned above was exactly how I thought it would be, but I think perhaps knowing that all these things would be there had an immunizing effect on me. I was expecting them, so they didn’t let me down. I just sort of knowingly nodded my head and rolled my eyes as if I was following the “generic heartwarming comedy” checklist.

Beyond that, there were some pleasant surprises. First off, near the beginning of the film, Kevin James is on a motorcycle, wearing a leather jacket—I guess that was the filmmakers’ way of shorthanding the fact that the character is supposed to be the teacher that is too cool for school. Lazy? Sure. Been done? Of course. Ironic, since the iconic Fonze plays the dorky foil to Kevin James’ “not dorky” hero role? Most definitely. But it was just too amusing to be offended by it. Fat people, and even mildly chubby people, just weren’t meant for bikes. It’s distracting.  

Another plus point is Selma Hayak. She plays the hot school nurse that Kevin James is constantly fawning over. And since it’s Selma Hayak, you can’t really blame him, and her charm negates the bullshit factor of those scenes.

Other charming points of this film were the adorable Dutch MMA coach who takes on this hopeless case, and the fact that the MMA fighters who weren’t Kevin James actually seemed to be somewhat competent in what they were doing and so were fun to watch (if you’re an MMA fan, such as myself).

And this movie also featured my now second-favorite vomit scene in all of cinema. I am definitely not a vomit-scene connoisseur, but after seeing this film, The Exorcist and Stand By Me, have been knocked down in the rankings. In fact, the only vomit-scene that tops this, in my opinion, is in the obscure 1990 Exorcist spoof, Repossesed, with Leslie Neilsen.

So, what does all this tell us? It tells us that this was a cut-and-paste movie. There was a whole lot of “wouldn’t it be funny if…” moments, but the overall narrative that glued them all together was wooden and hollow. Basically, this movie’s scaffolding is showing. The writers didn’t take enough time to ensure that the film as a whole could make it on its own, and so I spent my time sifting through the boring dregs to find bits and pieces that I actually liked. There weren’t enough funny moments to justify doing this—sometimes a comedy doesn’t need a strong plot because you’re too busy pissing yourself laughing to pay attention. And the “serious” moments (the ones that were supposed to make us give a crap), they felt like a recalcitrant teenage screenwriter was adding in stakes simply because his professor gave him a talking to about it.

And that brings us to demographics. The vomit and MMA would suggest this film was made for adolescent boys. But the “let’s save the music program and become reinspired by life” aspect comes straight out of the post-menopausal woman demographic. So either this film was written for goofy, violence-loving transsexuals in their late 30s, or …… actually I have no “or” in this scenario. I am simply baffled by the plot-line combo.

Somehow, and it pains me to say is because it’s been really hard to love Adam Sandler recently, but somehow Little Nicky got it right. That film had devil worship and boob-headed demons, and Clint Howard in a sequined mini-dress. But it also had love and butterflies and angels. Despite the vast differences there, they are set up as a singular duality as opposed to a multitude of randomnesses.

All a story is, is a single character, or group of characters, who want something badly and are having difficulty getting that thing. That’s it. Smooshing the MMA in with the music program doesn’t work because it’s not the music teacher that is doing the MMA stuff, it’s his crappy only-out-for-himself friend who has showed no interest in either MMA or music until he’s just thrown into it. He doesn’t really want it, and so we don’t really care.

So, there you have it. My final verdict—you *might* like pieces of this film if you go in expecting it to be complete shit.