The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

As I settled into my seat, pulled out the cheese hamburger, and cracked open the beer I snuck in as a masculinity counter-attack to all the estrogen I was surrounded by, I really did try my best to keep an open mind toward Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2: Yes, Jacob is Still Clinging Around: How Pathetic: Seriously, Jacob, She’s Like Married Now: Don’t Make us File a Restraining Order.

I treated this movie like I was going on a date with a girl I know I don’t like. Stay positive James, anything could happen. I could walk in to her place and there could be steak, mac-n-cheese covered in Chulula Hot Sauce, and Chocolate Cheesecake, and she would want to watch Workaholics the whole time and cap off the evening by letting me destroy her in scrabble—what? It could happen.

But as the opening credits started up and I saw cheesy camera tricks ruin otherwise gorgeous shots of Washington’s mountain ranges, I realized that instead of the dream scenario I had hoped for, Twilight’s director, Bill Condon, had prepared grilled tofu, onions, a glass of ovaltine, and planned a fun evening of eyebrow plucking for our date this evening.

In Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2 (the abbreviated version of the title), the wolves and vampires gather one last time to save Bella from something. This time it’s from the Evil Vampire group, The Volturi. She is a vampire now and a baby’s momma . Jacob is sleeping on the couch now which is just super awk. Also, apparently, he ‘marked’ Bella’s baby (ummmmmmmmm do they mean this in the way my dog used to mark my neighbor’s azaleas?) So I guess that’s the writer’s way of allowing Bella to have her perfect Edward, AKA “Jawline” (Robert Pattinson) and her Jacob, AKA “Abs on the Side” (Taylor Lauttner). But seriously, did Jacob pee on that baby? Edward, who seems pretty chill that Jacob has already called dibs on his 1 week old baby daughter, is all,”hey I don’t raise the vampire babies, I just make the vampire babies, am I right, bro!”

Edward and Bella move into their own perfect little cottage to take their relationship, the most boring romance of our generation, to the next level (or maybe because her ex is still crashing on the couch at their other place), and she and her clan of sort of good looking but still kind of weird looking vampires scour the world for other equally good looking but awkward vamps to do battle or prevent battle or whatever with the mighty Volturi. Once they are all united and everyone picks their sides, and the good looking newcomers form new couples and the ugly ones stay single, it’s time for the final battle, and holy crap…

IT IS ACTUALLY FREAKING AWESOME!!!!

It’s unpredictable, it’s savage, it takes no prisoners, heads are flying everywhere, and any character can go at any given time. For about 5 full minutes I am not embarrassed to say I was absolutely enthralled by Twilight. Of course, Twilight finds a way to even ruin that, but the fact that there was anything worthwhile in this movie that could be ruined for me has to be ruled a positive at this point.

Yes, I realize none of this is really the director’s fault. They are just going by the book, which is essentially a Harry-Potter-mixed-with-some-Danielle-Steele novel for teenage girls. But even if Harry Potter wasn’t your thing, they were still quasi decently made movies. Heck, so was the Hunger Games. But Twilight is just plain poorly done. This movie has been raking in truckloads of teen girl’s parent’s money for years, yet there is just no way the filmmakers are putting any of that money into this production. The special effects are horrible, Bella’s baby, with its CGI face may be the most unintentionally scary thing I’ve seen since I walked in on my mom bathing my 102 year old grandmother. And oh sweet jesus is the acting and the dialogue bad. If this is supposed to be a romance novel, then why are all the actors and actresses super creepy and awkward around each other? The only thing more creepy and awkward than some of these scenes was the palpable sexual tension between the 40 year old mothers in attendance and my perfectly trimmed but yet still vibrantly bushy mustache.

And the on screen romance between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson is just so boring. C’mon Rob, how can you not get it going for Kristen Stewart? One, she’s a freaking cutie pie; and two, if the magazines at the check-out aisles in the grocery store have taught me anything it’s that you guys ARE ACTUALLY DATING. You don’t even have to act! Just do what you do in real life. I’m sure the guy has a nice smile, but every time he does, it reminds me of the way a kid smiles at their great big fat aunt with her flabby arms held out wide ready to pull them in and lay a big wet one on their cheek.

If you’re a 10-15 year old girl (or a creeper 40-something lady with too many cats), then sure, go see this movie. For anyone else, if you really must see a romance, save your $12.50, and just PayPal me a dollar. I’ll use the funds to videotape dates I go on with people I meet on my Match.com account. That’ll get you 100% of the same creepy awkwardness that this movie has at 8% of the cost!