The Legend of Hercules: A Perfectly Atrocious Creation

The Legend of Hercules is a film that no one asked for, targeted toward a demographic that no one can identify, without a single hint of creativity or insight to be found anywhere in any frame of its existence.  So terrible is the latest Renny Harlin outing, seemingly pushed as a vehicle for the chiseled yet vapid Kellan Lutz, that a traditional review just wouldn't suffice to express its ineptitude.  Instead, I've proposed the following series of likely fictional, but understandably appropriate emails sent between crew members of The Legend of Hercules, detailing every significant stage of the film's perfectly atrocious creation.

From: A Producer

To: Writers Daniel Giat and Sean Hood

Subject: Re: Legend of Hercules draft (v2)

Hey, guys –

Thanks again for sending over a revised script based on the notes we sent you over on the first draft.  Well, "first draft" is a bit of a loose term seeing as you initially sent us a bunch of magazine cut outs of Kellan Lutz pasted on construction paper, but at the very least, thanks for writing a semblance of a screenplay.  We still have a few concerns we'd like to address though.

First and foremost, it seems like you still used a great deal of copying and pasting from other material.  I mean, that whole plot thread of having Hercules (Kellan Lutz) and Sotiris (Liam McIntyre) set up and exiled by an evil dictator and then them winning national acclaim and their army's loyalty by working their way up through the ranks of fighting pits, that's from Gladiator, isn't it?  My kid also told me that the whole Hercules invoking power from his Father and tearing down the columns to wreak havoc is Sampson.  That's the Bible.  And are we detecting hints of Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves in there?

Secondly, the romance between Hercules and Hebe (Gaia Weiss) [side note: Hebe?  Really?] doesn't really make a lot of sense.  There's no real reason to believe in these two as a couple. Does Hebe taste like Skittles or something?  Why is Hercules into her?  Without a believable love story, there's no stakes.  And frankly, we're all a little disturbed by the fact that during some of their dialogue scenes, you break the 4th wall by writing "SHUT UP! They're in love!! No one understands me!" And are those tear stains on the page?

From: Director Renny Harlin:

To: DP Sam McCurdy

Subject: Forget Everything You Know

Great to finally have met you, Sam!  I loved the work you've done with Neil Marshall in the past (The Descent, the "Blackwater" episode of Game of Thrones) and I'm really excited to work with you.  As I said in the meeting, The Legend of Hercules is gonna have sort of a feel to it like Centurion, but with less verisimilitude.  In fact, I've developed a mantra of sorts that will help act as a divining rod of sorts in case you have questions about the creative vision for this picture:

Forget Everything You Know.

You did great work with darkness and single light sources in The Descent, but I want The Legend of Hercules to be so evenly lit and so blandly shot that even the blind will be able to describe what's going on up on the screen.  Even the night time scenes need to look like they were shot during the day so that we won't loose anything in the conversion/darkening to 3D.  I NEED those swords to pop out and the audience to be like "woooahhh!"  And when in doubt, just shoot the scene in slow motion.  I don't care if Lutz is swinging a sword, if he's scratching his butt or if he's digesting food, throw in some random slow motion here and there.  The kids love that shit.  It worked for Zack Snyder.

From: Kate Down & Marianne Stanicheva in Casting

To: The Producers

Subject: Are We Serious??

Hey, all –

Kate and I put our heads together and we really feel like we need to put this out in the open.  Kellan Lutz?  Really?  We get it – he's a hot young commodity and after the success of Twilight, Summit really wants to see him succeed, but this guy has the acting chops of a lobotomy victim and the charisma of a mop in a janitor's closet at JFK.  He's a slab of beef with eyes.  We told Taylor Lautner that you were pushing for Kellan and he laughed at us.  Taylor Lautner LAUGHED AT US. 

And Gaia Weiss?  Who is this chick?  She reads her lines like she's an alien who's wearing human skin and can coherently place sounds and phrases together but doesn't understand the concept of language.  And these two have exactly zero connection with each other.  I understand that we have no control over what's on the pages that these actors have to read, but these two wouldn't know what chemistry was if you tattooed the periodic table on their eyeballs.  Was Liam Hemsworth not available?  We could've put him on a training regimen to bulk him up.  Was this schlock beneath John Cena?  There has to be someone better than Kellan Lutz…

From: VFX Team

To: The Producers

Subject: NEED More Budget! IMPORTANT!  THIRD Notice!

We don't know why no one up there can return phone calls or emails, but I'm writing again to say that we NEED more budget to complete the visual effects as requested by Renny.  Right now, the software and hardware we're working with wouldn't be enough for a SyFy Channel original movie to create and render the CGI fabrications needed.  Have you seen the sequence where Hercules climbs up the blatantly green screened waterfall?  Did you not see how the lion that he wrestled to death looked like it was made from melted plastic?  We saw the budget breakdown at the genesis of production and saw it was something close to $70 million, but all of us are wondering WHERE that money went?  It certainly didn't come to us!  Please contact us ASAP!

From: Zack Snyder

To: Renny Harlin

Subject: Thanks!!

Thanks, Renny!  For the first time in my life, I feel like a competent filmmaker.  LoLz!!!