Oceans: The Good, The Bad, and The Boring

Legions of graceful dolphin warriors charge like mechanized infantry battalions, birds slice into the Pacific with the precision akin to dive bombers scoring fatal hits in the Battle of the Midway, and then come the sharks, appearing from the deep blue like ravenous U-boats with torpedo teeth and a monstrous hunger. Completely surrounded, the sardines’ only defence is to cluster into one massive swirling ball, becoming a single minded sea-beast, all moving together in rapid unison, desperately trying to outlast the onslaught. But just as it seems their enemies have had their fill and the remaining sardines will live to see another day, a humpback whale swims upward, mouth agape, swallowing thousands of fish in one giant gulp. 

The haunting ferocity of this sardine massacre is just one example of the amazing spectacle of life and death in “Oceans”, the French documentary by Galatee Films and distributed through DisneyNature, which opened in the US to coincide with Earth Day.

Sardines are one thing, but watching freshly hatched baby sea turtles frantically sprinting across the sandy beach to taste the ocean for the first time, only to be snatched up by airborne predators with the ease of Nazi machine gunners picking off Allied troops on the beaches of Normandy, is a gut wrenching sight to be sure. It’s amazing really – only one in a thousand baby sea turtles make it – and that’s enough to sustain the species and keep perfect balance within the circle of ocean life. 

I’m a nature lover. Always have been… unless of course I hear the screams of terror. “Dad! Spider! Kill it!” Exterminating bugs is just one of those unwritten rules that comes with marriage and children, not that I mind. I’d be lying if I said I loved watching Charlotte spin her web in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. 

But when I’m not at home exterminating unwanted visitors, I do appreciate the awesome complexities of our natural world. So the decision to take my three year-old son to see “Oceans” seemed like a no-brainer. Something fun AND educational. 

And, he was really into it… for a while. Sure, he’s only three and has the attention span of a gnat with ADHD, but to be completely honest, I found myself exactly on the same page. 

There is no doubt that Oceans deals out a beautiful looking movie. The photography is exceptional: crystal clear, up-close, and extremely personal. And toss in the plethora of ocean life so elegant and colorful, French co-directors Jacques Perrin and Jacques Cluzaud, capture this living canvas, the lens as their brush, and deliver something I can only describe as a visual poem. 

But despite all this, “Oceans” still flounders.

With a subject matter so colossal, it’s absolutely necessary to narrow down and focus, making the film about one particular species or geographic region. (March of the Penguins is a poster child for this approach). Or if the filmmakers were unrelenting in their goal to take on the giant, it would have been better to tackle the film by grouping the photography by theme. 

“Oceans” does neither. 

Instead, we get an interesting but confusing mosaic of shots: Humpbacks group-feeding off the coast of Alaska, a snippet on the waters off the Galapagos Islands, even a “Deadliest Catch” homage on man and his ocean machines as they battle under stormy skies. 

These boats, ironically, were my son’s favorite part. But even then, he kept asking, “Is it over? Can we go?” And for a film DisneyNature hopes will grab children by the masses, that is not a good sign. I appeased my son’s frustration by promising to buy him a book at Border’s after the afternoon matinee, but that did little to combat his impatience. 

“Oceans”, despite all its great intentions, was like sitting in a virtual aquatic museum, but without the freedom to move on or stay longer at a particular exhibit. I spent most of my time simply pointing and whispering: “That’s an octopus. That’s a shark. That’s a lobster.” 

And then, more than half way through, someone decided: “Oh, shit! We forgot to bring up the environment!” So we get the usual images of water bottles floating among debris, endangered fish tangled in nets, and shots of satellite infrared pollution as we’re bombarded by statistics of how much humans trash their oceans. 

And finally, as we turn the corner into the last lap, we’re accosted by the conventional penguins and polar bear stuff, only because – it’s the law. Any interesting variation breaks the unspoken edict all nature documentarians sign, a move that endangers their very profession and is an offence punishable by death, which usually involves some seaweed and a sushi chef.  

I do agree that Pierce Brosnan does a fine job with the narration. (Morgan Freeman simply can’t do everything). But with no engaging story, no clear focus, no defining message, even he can’t do much with insipid lines like “What is the ocean? What is the sea?”

And to be brutally honest, I still don’t know. 

Oceans is a beautiful visual experience with a lot of those how’d-they-get-that-shot moments. But ultimately, it’s no masterpiece. Just another a little bit boring, a little too telegraphed, and a  little too good for you PBS specials… three year-olds not included.