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Eclipse: Invasion of the Pale Actors

By Megan Lane · July 5, 2010

{ga=mlane}I’ve never seen a Twilight movie.  I’ve never read a Twilight book.  I can’t tell you anything about where this franchise has been.  But I can tell you where it’s going, and it’s not good.

As someone who is not a “Twilighter”, the movie was actually pretty easy to figure out.  Victoria (Bryce Dallas Howard) is still seeking her revenge on Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) for killing her mate, James.  She assembles an army of “newborn” vampires who have even more strength and a larger taste for blood than the Cullen family.  This army’s goal is to kill Bella (Kristen Stewart).  In order to stop them, the Cullens join forces with Jacob (Taylor Lautner) and his werewolf family to protect her.  However, plot and characters aside, I still have a few questions.  Please feel free to email me at megan@thescriptlab.com with answers.

If the vampires are immortal (unless of course they are killed), why do they spend there time redoing their senior year of high school? Shouldn’t they be hanging out in bars with people who look their age or breaking into the zoo after hours?

And on an even larger note, why is no one creeped out that this guy who’s lived for probably hundreds of years is preying on a high school girl?  Why is he so interested in her?  Shouldn’t he be seeking someone with a little more maturity?  Just like Robert Pattinson should be seeking someone with a little more maturity than Kristen Stewart according to the June 16th, 2010 issue of US Weekly (we all have our vices).

Is Jacob’s heritage supposed to be some sort of allegory for our treatment of the Native Americans?  Are vampires the white man and the only way for Native Americans to beat them is to behave like animals? You know what, I’m probably reading way too much into that.

What is so special about Bella?  What makes this above average looking high school student worth the collision of two worlds?  It actually makes sense why the Vultari seems to care so little.

Why is Edward’s face sparkly?  Is it the sunlight?  If so, doesn’t most vampire mythology say that sunlight kills vampires?  I get that the movie takes place in Seattle so the sunlight isn’t an issue, but then why are there several scenes that take place in which the vampires are exposed to direct sunlight?

And most importantly, where is Jacob’s shirt?  Not that I’m complaining…

Maybe I’m too old to understand.  Twenty-five is past the prime age for lusting after teen idols.  So I’d like to offer you all a comparison, because I think if Twilight had come out 13 years ago, I would have been in line at the midnight show wearing my “Team Jacob” t-shirt (come on, is it really even a contest), schoolgirl skirt and black lacey tights.  I had all the makings of a Twilight groupie.  I was thirteen.  I shopped at Hot Topic.  I was awkwardly pale.  But unfortunately for me, there weren’t any teen vampire heartthrobs in 1997.  There was, however, Leonardo DiCaprio and my own personal Twilight, Titanic.

Titanic had everything that Twilight has today.  A painfully cute lead actor.  Endless love.  Death.  But the beauty of Titanic (in the eyes of most grown adults, that is) is that the 97% of the cast die in the first one, making a sequel, well, not possible (and by die, I mean actually die, like no longer walk, talk, bang, or draw inappropriate portraits).  And Titanic did win eleven Academy Awards.

I can pick apart the logic of Twilight until the end of time. However, as much as I try to understand the last two hours of my life, one of my questions will forever remain unanswerable: how the hell did they get Dakota Fanning to be in this movie?