Two and a Half Men: Season 9 Premiere

For anyone who has been living under a rock, Charlie Sheen went a bit crazy last spring and was fired from the CBS series Two and a Half Men. This was spun as one of the biggest entertainment stories of the year, and rightly so, because Two and a Half Men was not only the highest rated network sitcom, but it was also the highest rated sitcom in syndication. It was literally the single biggest money-maker for CBS when they fired Charlie Sheen.

For months, CBS kept the TV watching public in suspense. What were they going to do with Sheen’s character? Who was going to replace him? Could the show still be funny? Would it lose its “edge?” Eventually, CBS told us that Ashton Kutcher (Kelso from That 70’s Show, that guy from Punk’d, and Demi Moore’s man-toy) would be replacing Sheen. While some people seemed excited for this change, there seemed to be even more head scratching. Kutcher didn’t ring true to Sheen’s character type. While his image isn’t all together wholesome, it’s nothing like the selfish, womanizing, partying a-hole that Sheen’s character was.

Fast forward to last night – the Season 9 Premiere – where were finally going to learn what happened to Sheen’s character and discover how Kutcher’s character comes into play.  While I normally try to stay away from too much summary, I need to illustrate where the episode went wrong last night. Consider this your spoiler warning.

Unsurprisingly, Sheen’s character was simply killed off. The episode opens on his funeral, where all the women he’s jilted want to know why they can’t see his body to spit on it. The scene is utterly uninspired, and serves only to wink at the audience that Sheen’s character killed himself because he was “too crazy.” Everyone at the funeral seems utterly unfazed by the passing of their “dear friend,” son or uncle. Long and drawn out, the speeches are tedious, and there’s simply no honesty in the scene.

Then we cut to the open house, where Charlie’s mom is trying to sell the house because no one can afford to pay it. John Stamos visits the open house, and makes a rather homophobic jok, which seems to play into the episodes degradation of Charlie’s character. Then “Darhma and Greg” visit, though their names are never used. They reference the premise of Darhma and Greg, and we’re supposed to laugh. Unfortunately, it all falls flat. Finally, Charlie’s ashes are delivered to the house (and in the “crazy” mix-up where the delivery man is coming to the open house… no wait, that’s a false start…). While Charlie’s brother is about to spread his ashes, Kutcher scares him into spilling his brother’s ashes because he’s lurking around outside the house. They meet. Instead of being angry that he was peeping in the window AND causing him to desecrate his brother’s remains, they become best friends. “Hilarity” ensues. By the end of the episode, we get a “To Be Continued…” on Kutcher’s line.

This is where we can begin to fix the episode. First of all, the entire funeral scene was overwritten, poorly acted, and out of place. It should have been cut from the episode entirely, considering every TV viewer knew that Charlie Sheen wasn’t going to be in the show any more. Instead of answering all our questions, it left one big, burning question — Where’s the funny?

The episode should have started with the scene at the open house. However, to make this scene work, the joke has to be that each set of visitors is a famous TV family. It’s a better cold open for the show, because it leaves us asking why the house is being sold. It’s also a series of funny jokes that doesn’t rely solely on the star power of say, John Stamos. The joke wasn’t funny because John Stamos is famous, but that fame can’t really shoulder even a one-string joke (Sorry Stamos, you’re a great guy and all, but it didn’t work.) The real joke here would have been to have Stamos joined by his former co-stars Dave Coulier and Bob Sagget as the family from Full House considering buying this house. Then it makes the Darhma and Greg joke funny as well. Then, there has to be a third famous TV family to complete the magical three. Somehow the writer’s forgot this magic number. The fourth go around can introduce Kutcher’s character in a far less creepy way, and play out the rest of the transition story in the episode.

There’s an old screenwriting dictum, “start late and leave early.” Scenes should start at the most interesting time and leave at the point of highest tension. Unfortunately, the writers of Two and a Half Men seem to have entirely forgotten this rule. With TV, it’s even more true. Viewers MUST be able to jump into a story at any point and be sucked in. This means making each scene in a TV show it’s own self-contained story that can be a part of a bigger story.

I Love Lucy is a perfect example of this kind of story telling. You didn’t need to see the whole episode to understand why Lucy was in a chocolate factory shoving candy into her brassiere. Each scene stood on its own. Two and a Half Men has convinced itself that it’s too important, and that somehow the story of what happened to Charlie matters to the audience. IT DOESN’T! Tons of successful TV shows have done major character changes between seasons, and the viewer never notices (Designing Women, Chicago Hope, Glee, Charmed) because they’re watching for a specific reason. People watch Two and a Half Men to laugh, and sadly, the season premiere delivered almost no laughs at all. Poor writing and a lack of chemistry are mostly to blame. However, sometimes great shows know when it’s time to go out on top, like Seinfeld. Now it seems like we’ll be watching Two and a Half Men descend into the terror of being a formerly good show.