The Expendables: The 80s Action Film That Doesn’t Work Anymore

 I won’t lie, I honestly thought The Expendables was going to be good. I know part of it’s attraction and supposed charm was the re-awakening of all of the 1980’s action movie cliches that make those very movies seem so laughable nowadays, but given the visual advancements the industry has made in just the last few years and what I thought was a pretty good Rambo a couple summers ago, I figured this movie might have some legit legs. I knew full well that I was going into obscene action sequences and deaths, one liners out the wazoo and a beyond basic plot that would provide as much soupy entrails as is possible, but I still thought there would be more to it. That many people cannot get involved in a movie without looking at the script first, right? Even if Arnie comes back for it? Alas, while expectations were reasonable, and hopes were high, they were both dashed like so many non-specific South American skulls.

SPOILERS.

This movie is STUPID.

The action is awesome though; it’s like Rambo times ten, which itself made Gladiator look like pre-school. Stallone spares no expense in embracing the R-rating, and easily the most enjoyable parts of the flick are the constant mutilation of the bad guys into minestrone. The lighthearted dialogue makes for some respites as well, but even with everything character-wise going above and beyond action movie stupidity (they’re cool as a cucumber under ANY circumstance, almost dying constantly is some big running joke to them), one cannot let their mind get away from question after question regarding the plot.

As far as said “plot” goes…

Stallone goes to see Mickey Rourke’s character. Mickey Rourke’s character fixes motorcycles (which all the Expendables ride, of course), and is of course a tattoo artist. Why, then, he seems to come into “work” assignments he can offer to Stallone and the boys is beyond reason, and thusly never explained. So pretty much right from the get go, there’s no logical reason why the Expendables get involved in this particular situation. Greaseball weirdo uglybones Rourke directs Stallone to another non-descript fellow who hires mercenaries in a church played by Bruce Willis in a tamer role than Look Who’s Talking? Here is the much anticipated Arnold/Sly scene. This has been hyped up like Bobby D. and Al Pa in the diner during Heat and ended up like Robert Deniro and Al Pacino in Righteous Kill. Don’t worry, they do manage to reference Schwarzenegger the actor’s political aspirations, since self-referential quips about reality go over really well in a movie where Jason Statham liquefies an entire civilian dock with impunity.

Oh yeah, that happens. Stallone and Statham go down to South America or whatever (does it really matter?) for some recon and spying and just happen to get in the middle of a fracas, taking them throughout the barrio, engaging in some admittedly pretty cool fighting scenes. Then, after a tense water take off, Stallone swings their giant plane back around and Statham mans the machine guns, destroying the entire naval stronghold of whatever fake army is in control of this fake country. Stallone got a boner for some chick they ran into along the way, and that’s essentially why the rest of the Expendables follow him back there for Act Two and a Half.

It goes on and on. It really is superb action, but how and why it’s occurring makes absolutely no sense. It’s so stupid you can’t even fake it and try to enjoy the movie for what you know it’s supposed to be.

Here’s the thing: action heroes are cut from two cloths. They’re either the undeniable, militarily trained, all seeing, all killing bad ass, who’s job and passion it is to go in and overthrow dictatorships and slit some throats while doing it with the implied support of their government, or they’re the out of his element, underdog, thrust into a situation he has nothing to do with and wants no part of but has to overthrow a dictatorship and slit some throats while his government gives him guff the entire time type guys. The former you’ve seen in movies starring most of the Expendables: Commando, Predator, Universal Soldier. The latter was birthed in Die Hard and popped up in Air Force One, Speed and Passenger 57. The problem with the Expendables is that they attempt to be one kind of hero (the down on their luck, gotta do things carefully underdogs), while obviously being the other kind. The Expendables are underground, doing all sorts of illicit black ops no government would ever sanction, yet they fly in and out of warzones, destroy entire platoons and rack up an incomprehensible body count as if they were an actual military detachment. 

What Stallone set out to do, he accomplished, much to the detriment of his film. In resurrecting the action Gods of the 80’s and 90’s, yet placing them in the modern context, he disarmed the most powerful thing about the heroes of old: that type of carnage was allowed. Nowadays, independently bad ass murderers simply don’t operate the way they used to; they don’t crack jokes about almost dying EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS, and they don’t walk away from the explosion with a clean conscience and no one to answer to. When a film portrays it that way, it’s not realistic. For an action movie to sully itself because it’s TOO bad ass,…well I guess that’s kind of cool, but ultimately it was still a bad flick.

So if you think you can, leave your brain at the door and get ready for some bitchin’ knife related deaths at the hands of the Transporter. If you require a smidgen of explanation, be prepared to feel as empty as a spent shell casing.

2 out of 4 ripped out jugulars.