By Chloe Bohne · May 7, 2010
Today was particularly slow. Anytime this occurs, Doug gives me the dreaded go see if Missy needs anything spiel. Because Mother’s Day is on Sunday, she wants me to tell her why she should take her Mom to see the Babies documentary. In typical Missy fashion, she excuses me with a wave of her hand, and I’m on it. I know nothing about it because I could care less about this documentary and I don’t even like babies; I am much more interested in the documentary on the grounds that this is an ingenious way to rake in some dough for something that arguably would not have been as successful on any other weekend, seriously, how many people are gonna take their Moms to this crap?
The long and short of it: it’s a story about four babies from four different countries (Japan, Namibia, Mongolia, and the good ol’ USA) doing cute baby stuff in their first year of life. Now, I am at an age where more and more of my friends are getting married and/or having babies. And from my experiences, they may look cute that young, but they sure aren’t cute enough to be hanging around with 24 hours a day. Alright, I sound cynical and un-motherly, but I’m still fairly young and babies are only delightful from a distance. Anyway, back to the movie, I think that its unseen effects will be very harmful to society as a whole, and even more so because this movie is opening up like everywhere! These adorable little babies, are gonna be worse than the plague. I haven’t seen the thing yet, but I bet you none of those babies have colic or any number of problems that come along with the screaming, the crying, the pooping. These babies are sending out subliminal messages to everyone, including my young and stupid friends: babies are the hot new accessory. Morons all over the place are gonna be popping these things out left and right; with adding to the world’s overpopulation the least of the problem! I can see it now: Idiots across the globe are going to want their own ‘Babies’ baby, except its not gonne be anything like those movie babies, oh no, they’re gonna be screaming, and crying, and pooping and all that other fun shit they do.
Another ramification of ‘Babies,’ is that it may even increase the Brangelina trend of adopting adorable little ethnic babies to prove that “baby love” crosses racial boundaries or some shit. I mean, when did adopting Third World children become so much more respectable than any “regular” orphan anyway? And, in Madonna’s case, buying one? WTF? Since African babies are already becoming too trendy, and because I never heard of Japanese orphans—so they must not exist—and the little American baby pales in comparison to the other cuties-pun intended, Mongolian babies are gonna be the new, “hip” thing. Who knows maybe even hipsters will start carrying around a little Genghis Khan while holding a can of PBR?
Sure, this movie will probably highlight that wonderful world of bliss and pure honesty that babies (real and movie) live in, and sure it will illustrate to millions that the human race could survive without their Blackberry’s and the internet, but think of the repercussions: an unnecessary baby boom and an increase of Mongolian babies used as “accessories!” Trends always ruin a good thing. And by the way, I noticed that the white baby didn’t get as much play as the others in the trailers; coincidence? I think not. Just more evidence to support my claims, kiddies.
After my research, I began to shiver at the thought that Missy would fall victim to either one of my hypotheses. Naturally, right when I start to come up with excuses, she walks up and asks, “Wellll…?” In my desperate attempt to save Little Genghis and the world from Missy’s unborn spawn, I shrug my shoulders and say, “Eh, I’d rather see Iron Man 2.”
