Say What?!?!

“I had to make a choice between puking on my iPad or puking on my students’ papers!”

So I overheard at a recent college reunion. What did my pal ultimately decide upon? Well, I was busy trying to decide whether to puke on the grill or the keg, so I unfortunately couldn’t stick around for the conclusion, but it got me thinking what an (obviously) funny conundrum that must have been. I can’t help but play out both outcomes in my mind: blow all over the brand new status symbol that will be replaced in three months anyway, or yak all over the irreplaceable scribblings of your little ones, either scratching the assignment and attributing B’s to everyone, hoping no one will remember the homework, or trying to explain to them, then maybe their parents, then maybe your principal, why you’re handing back orange-tinted multiplication tables that smell strikingly reminiscent of Kamchatka.

And here’s a perfect opportunity for you, when you come across a random blurtation like this, to stuff it away in your mental pocket for a rainy, writers-blocky day (Just don’t take that particular anecdote, I’ve already written two features around the concept). I’m sure plenty of you carry around a little notebook or paperback notepad to scribble down ideas and stuff like that, and that’s good. I even went the Norm MacDonald route for a while and carried an analog tape recorder EVERYWHERE I went. Some of you might worry about looking weird stopping everything and writing down a paragraph or whispering into a machine in the middle of dinner, or work, or a funeral, but you’re already trying to succeed as a writer in Hollywood, so everyone assumes you’re a fucking loser and probably nuts to begin with.

But, as you’ll hear me say often, don’t manufacture ideas. Let them come to you. Like little jokes someone drops at a party. Unless you’re a stand-up, feel free to straight up steal that line. Work the actual dialogue into a larger script, or try to build a scene or a sketch or a conversation around it. The ridiculous ramblings of a bum? Who the fuck knows what he’s thinking when he screams “Pickles and Olives!” but if it’s memorable to you and funny, write it down and hold onto it. Maybe way down the line you’ll rediscover it and at least have a realistic non-sequitur for that bum character you’re working on (or the more ambitious bum opera). I heard a stuffy British commentator make a skateboarding reference during the Masters last week. You telling me that’s not worth exploring in a comedy screenplay (again, DON’T, I already have)?

But you get what I’m saying. Of course, not every idea is going to come to you totally organically, good writers know how to sit down and workshop, twist, beat, gouge, squeeze, [overdramatic verb] something from very little, or nothing. I’m just saying there’s a lot of great material all around you. So turn off the iPod, put down the shitty Twilight sequel, and just soak in the life around you. It’s worth writing about. Especially if puke is involved. I, for the record, went with the keg.

But what the fuck would I know, I’m just an actor.