Sinister: Didn’t Even Make *Me* Pee

This week I was asked to go see and review Scott Derrikson’s horror movie Sinister, and I feel like a little background about myself is needed before I get started. Firstly, I am the world’s biggest wuss. Anyone who knows me knows I am incredibly easily to startle. Most of that has to do with my severe ADD. Whenever I’m walking around or performing benign tasks, I can get so lost in thought daydreaming about solving things like the worlds energy crisis, or faulty bi-partisan political systems, or fruit snacks and Kosher Dodger Dogs with relish served to me on a platter with a Wendy’s Chocolate Frosty carried by Jessica Biel, that I’ve literally had very small amounts of pee scared out of me by someone simply coming up behind me or coming around a corner on several occasions. And I absolutely freaking love it. Getting startled always brings a smile to my face, scary rides make me laugh uncontrollably, and a really good horror movie can be better than sex. Well, sometimes.

I also love Ethan Hawke. Seriously if you have nothing better to do, and if you are nerdy enough, then you should have yourself an Ethan Hawke movie marathon day.  There’s something for everyone . Like Scifi, eh? Ethan Hawke’s got Gattaca for you dorks. Want to see a Romance? Cuddle up with Ethan and watch Before Sunrise. Need a little action in your life? Watch Ethan bust a cap in Denzel Washington in Training Day. Throw in a little Dead Poets Society and you got yourself a solid little movie lineup there.

But if somehow I managed to convince you to waste a whole day watching Ethan Hawke movies, do not— for any reason—include Sinister into the rotation.

I was really excited to go see this movie. I was basically dead set on liking it. I even considered giving it a good review regardless of whether I liked it or not because I couldn’t bear to sully the Hawke name.

Unfortunately for Ethan, my eternal love for my five or so, okay maybe three or so devout fans, runs much deeper than any bromance I have with an actor who doesn’t even know I exist.

Fortunately for Ethan, I can write this scathing review without bashing him, because he does turn in a rather decent performance. I also enjoyed the score (or soundtrack?) to this movie. It was creepy, duh it’s a horror movie, but it was also very weird at times. And what can I say, I like weird. Also the Boogeyman for this movie was so creepy, I actually considered leaving the lights on for bed time…I probably shouldn’t have admitted that.

Where this movie does fail horribly though, is in its writing, mainly the plot. Writers Errickson and C. Robert Cargill actually deliver okay dialogue and premise, but they fail miserably with the plot.

In Sinister, Hawk plays a once famous non-fiction author who specializes in solving mysterious murder cases that have gone unsolved. It’s 10 years after his first hit and he is now desperate for another, no matter the horrors he encounters or the toll it takes on his family. Sinister begins as he is moving his family into a house whose previous occupants were all murdered (save one missing daughter). He discovers a mysterious box containing films of the previous occupants’ actual deaths as well as several others.

Like I said, I actually like the premise of this movie. But if there was a movie museum, and if that museum contained a level for the importance of plot in movies, then Sinister should be put on full display as an exemplary example of how a weak plot can turn a movie with an interesting premise into a movie that acts as a mild sedative.

The premise of trying to solve these murders provides the opportunity for this movie to be ripe with mystery, only problem is that our writers get a little too loosey-goosey with dropping hints that the mystery becomes too obvious less than an hour into the movie, with another hour left to go.

Once we know the mystery behind the murders, we also realize that this guy is royally screwed. It’s one of the most annoying things horror movies sometimes do: putting their characters in scenarios they just can’t win. Stories, especially horror stories, need mystery or conflict or high death tolls or preferably all three to keep audiences truly interested, and this movie’s plot provides really none of the above.

There are a few mildly scary scenes sprinkled in throughout, but coming from me that isn’t saying much. I still refuse to drive through Texas because of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I never learned how to water ski because of Jaws. But I didn’t wet myself once watching this movie. This movie was so unscary I actually haven’t gone number one since I saw it, and I’m probably developing a bladder infection. Yes, the image of the bad guy made me sleep with my lights on, but then again so do the teletubbies.  Have a nice week everyone. If you’ll excuse me I have to make a doctor’s appointment.